If my definition is different than yours, does that mean I'm not really happy?
If my definition is different than yours, does that mean I'm not allowed to be happy?
If my definition is not church based, does that mean I don't have a right to be happy?
'Man are that they might have Joy'
'Judge that ye be not Judged"
"He that is without sin, cast the first stone'
Isn't that what you teach? Doesn't seem to be what you live. As I watch my friends fall by the wayside, choose to push me out of their lives, I wonder.
"You are not the girl I used to know, you are trying to convince yourself that you're happy, when you're not. You are being controlled by Satan. I never really knew you.
This, of course, is all said via FB or email or txt. No one spends any time with me to test their iron clad theory. Everyone speaks to those that agree with them, just to solidify their decisions.
"You're cold and uncaring. You're distant and shut off. "
Let me ask you...if everyone in YOUR life shut you out, decided that you were mentally altered. Decided that the choices you had made were so repulsive that they couldn't stand the thought of associating with you. Wrote you letters and emails about how they wished you were dead...wouldn't you be a little defensive. Would you put up your walls?
Are you there when my walls break down? Are you there when I try and deal with being pushed out of the lives of all that I loved? Are you there when it becomes more than I can handle?
"You did this to yourself. " That's what I'm told over and over.
You're right, I did. I chose me. I chose to make decisions for myself. I chose to separate myself from aspects of my life. I chose to discover parts of life for myself. I chose to identify myself differently. I chose to re-evaluate my commitments and responsibilities. I chose to be with someone else. I chose to re-define the definition of my family. I chose to leave the church. I chose to escape the oppression I felt. I chose to release myself from the constant guilt put on me in my failures. I chose to remove myself from the constant expectations that are never attainable.
How long do you think a person can handle rejection? How long before you say...I'M DONE!
I'm tired of explaining myself, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of the comments, and looks and judgements.
If you can't handle it, don't want me...can't accept....FINE. I am not here to beg for your love or friendship or acceptance. I will not do it anymore.
I am happy. I have found fulfillment in ways I didn't know existed. I have found or renewed friendships that fill my life. I have had people fill roles in my life vacated by others. I am peace with my thoughts. I am stronger in my commitments.
Don't call me trying to justify your rejection. Don't call me asking for explanations so that you can judge me further. Don't call me.
I give you a comment posted in reaction to a blog post about me.
I commend you for your commitment to your beliefs and your testimony. Part of your belief system is that people have agency. Agency to decide whether or not to make choices that coincide with your beliefs or not. Agency when it comes to what armor to wear and what armor to put off.
My only comment is to look past the armor, and see the person. Unconditional love is what you believe the Savior exemplified and taught as an example for us to follow.
If you truly believe what he taught then you will realize that the people he most often chose to associate with were the ones who made wrong choices. Who were in need of help, compassion, and yes, even friendship. Granted, it was easier for him to see the hearts and souls of the people he met. So we, on this earth, have to make much more effort than Him to display this unconditional love.
I know you think it's an oxymoron for me to be 'preachy' about this. But thus far, my experience with peoples reactions have been exactly the opposite of the professed unconditional love. All the way from Stake President to Bishop to friends and family.
You can profess your religion all you like, and I know that nobody is perfect and can't live all the commandments and live up to all the ideals. But if you profess it in word only, and don't live it, then you are as the Book of Mormon says, a hypocrite.
I beg you to prove me wrong. I really do, I want you to prove me wrong and surprise me.
You would be the first.








Early flight from Calgary to Chicago. Have only enough time in Chicago to walk from one terminal to another, and Chicago is a BIG airport. Visit the potty, grab some lunch, right on another flight. Watched My Sister's Keeper while flying, cried and blubbered through the whole thing. 